What’s old is new again…

We’ve been using a Continuous Glucose Monitoring System (CGMS) since August. It has been an absolute diabetes life changer. The definition of a CGMS is:

A continuous glucose monitoring system (CGMS) is an FDA-approved device that records blood sugar levels throughout the day and night. There are several approved devices — Medtronic’s MiniMed device, DexCom, and the Navigator, for example — that can provide up to 288 blood sugar measurements every 24 hours. The system is used to measure an average blood sugar for three to seven days (depending on the model you have), while the person with diabetes continues daily activities at home.

It has changed our diabetes life because it gives us a heads up of highs, lows and trends. We still test 10 times a day but when we see a 94 and an —-> I know we are even steven. If I see a 94 with a diagonal arrow down I know that my son’s sugar is trending down and we need to watch it. Before the CGMS I would have to retest in a few minutes to see which direction the number was heading. But, believe it or not, this post is not about the CGMS and how much I absolutely love it. It is about NOT having a CGMS and how much I hate it.

The other night my son did not have a CGMS sensor on. He went to bed without it on, which in turn means he woke up without a sensor on. And without that sensor on THAT OLD FEELING CAME RIGHT BACK.

I thought it was gone.

I thought I wasn’t going to feel that way again.

I hadn’t thought about those feelings since August.

But like a bad penny, it was right there when I woke up this morning.

Would my son be alive when I go to wake him up this morning? WOULD MY SON, MY HEART AND SOUL, BE ALIVE…ALIVE…ALIVE…

I know that dead in the bed is rare. Rare is good enough for me. It exists. I believe it in. I don’t live my life in fear of it, but I sure as hell know it’s exists.

I don’t, however, breathe a solid breath until I know that my son is safe from the night.

Looking at that CGMS has put that feeling to the wayside for me. I know that I have that little light-of-life next to my bedside, that at the quickest glance I can see about where my son’s blood sugar is. Without it, all I have is a feeling.

I hate that feeling. Not knowing whether my son is alive or not.

I know what I’d hate more, but I still hate that feeling.