I saw an old friend yesterday. We were friends back when my heart and soul was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. We haven’t seen each other in years. Since we lost touch, so much has happened. I went back to work. I went back to school. My kids have gotten so much older (but I haven’t). Some of us in the house were diagnosed with Celiac (that’s another future blog…www.celiacdemystified.org) and things have gotten easier.
Wait.
No. They haven’t.
Except, if you had asked me that 30 seconds before I had reconnected with this old friend, I would have said, “Yes, it has gotten easier,” but in fact, I was asked that and I didn’t say that. I couldn’t say that.
Almost 8 years in and I COULD NOT say it has gotten easier.
Here’s how the conversation transpired:
Her: Wow! It’s been so long. (Peering into my cart…) I feel like I’m forgetting something.
Me: Well, I don’t buy much here, we have celiac now so…
Her: Oh, celiac? But wait, didn’t you also have diabetes?
Me: Yes, we do have diabetes but we added celiac about a year ago.
Her: Oh, gosh, I remember that now. It was so confusing and difficult. Is it still confusing and difficult? Does it get easier?
Is it still confusing and difficult? Does it get easier? Is it still confusing and difficult? Does it get easier? Confusing? Difficult? Easier? Hhhhmmmm.
I have to impart some back story here…we were friends when my boy was JUST diagnosed. We were still on shots, the pen in fact. So she remembers me fumbling with pen needles, and cartridges, and lugging all the supplies around. Also, we were just learning how to count carbs, and even what carbs were, what diabetes meant, and how it was going to affect us in the long run. She remembers the crying. The pain. The uncertainty. The ignorance. The exhaustion. The everything.
We now have an insulin pump (have for many years). We now have the Dexcom Continuous Glucose Monitor (have for many years). We now use Nightscout #wearenotwaiting to remotely monitor glucose levels. We have advanced along with all the available technology out there. Gone are the days of pen needles, looking up carb counts in a book, carrying ketone strips for every number over 250 and so forth.
Back to the conversation…
Me: (Small laugh and smile) It does get eas…
Me: (Smile) It does get eas…
Me: It’s not so confusing and it’s not so difficult.
WHAT?!?! I couldn’t bring myself to say that it has gotten easier. I was shocked by my own words, or lack thereof. I FEEL as if it has gotten easier, but all I could muster was that it was not so confusing and not so difficult.
I guess it will never be easy knowing my son can die from Type 1 diabetes.
I guess it will never be easy knowing that my son is alive because of insulin.
I guess it will never be easy knowing that my son will never get a break from wearing a pump, or giving himself shots, or counting his carbs, or checking his sugar.
I guess it will never be easy knowing that I will forever be up in the middle of the night making sure my son is okay.
What is easy is knowing that everything I do keeps my son happy, healthy and alive.
Yeah, that’s not confusing or difficult at all.
I do what I do because it’s what a D mama does.